Kevin Barrett: In which I apply for Jewish status
The Palestinians are second-class citizens in their own homeland.
I’m starting to understand how they feel.
If I were Jewish, I would dominate the media, largely control the US Congress, and completely own Hollywood. If I were Jewish, nobody could criticize me – or my tribal settler colony in Occupied Palestine – without being labeled anti-Semitic and forced to wear a “never work in this town again” yellow star.
If I were Jewish, I could make sure that anybody who questions MY holocaust gets locked up the second they set foot in Europe, while I remain free to question all the other holocausts. I could extort my share of the billions of dollars generated by the “no business like Shoah business” – one of the most lucrative rackets on earth, so beautifully described in Norman Finkelstein’s The Holocaust Industry.
If I were Jewish, I would be a member of a group that earns – on the average – nearly twice the annual income of non-Jewish Americans.
But most importantly of all, if I were Jewish, I could join the hundreds of brave and brilliant people on Masada2000′s S.H.I.T. list of the “Self-Hating and Israel-Threatening.” The generous folks at Masada2000 have kindly compiled a list of incredibly cool people who have the vision to see through the toxic smog of Zionist BS that we breathe every day, and the guts to stand up and speak out.
One small catch: To be a S.H.I.T. list honoree, you have to be Jewish.
JEEEEZ! That’s SO unfair! If there is one career path in which goys should be allowed to compete with Jews on a level playing field, it’s the profession of being an “anti-Semitic Israel hater”! When even THAT field is taken over by the doyens of Jewish superiority, us goys might as well throw in the towel.
So I’m officially throwing in the towel. All you neo-Nazi storm-troopers who have been sending me hate emails and calling me a crypto-Jew because I don’t like Hitler and have nothing against Jewish people are really going to have a field day.
Rather than be locked out of the S.H.I.T. list due to my ethnicity, I have begun the process of applying for Jewish ethnic status. Here is my letter to Masada2000, emailed to them at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear S.H.I.T. listers,
I heard about your S.H.I.T. list when someone emailed me the entry about my friend Gilad Atzmon, who is a musical and philosophical genius and a force of nature.
So I started looking over your list, and discovered that it is an honor roll of brave and brilliant people who have questioned the lies of Zionism.
Since I have done some Zionist-lie-questioning myself, I scrolled down to the B’s to see whether I had made the grade. Imagine my chagrin when I discovered that there were other Barretts on the list, but I was not among them!
Upon further perusal, I realized you have to be Jewish to make the list. So my question is: Could I “convert” ethnically rather than religiously? I’m pretty comfortable with my Islamic faith, and have no interest in converting to the Jewish religion. But since at least half of today’s “Jews” are not religious, but still consider themselves Jewish, perhaps I could join them by changing my ethnicity from Irish-American to Jewish? I do eat bagels fairly often, and use words like “chutzpah” and “putz” occasionally, especially when referring to Larry Silverstein. Is there some kind of ceremony in which a Rabbi could hand me a bagel smeared with lox, cream cheese, and thin-slice onion, and maybe a kosher pickle for good measure, and I could take a big bite out of it and be pronounced ethnically Jewish?
I would also be happy to take an exam explaining such nuances of Jewish ethnic culture as the difference between “schlemiel” and “schlimazel.” (Correct answer: The Zionists who botched the 9/11 false-flag op were schlemiels, while the Americans who failed to notice and lost their country are schlimazels.)
By the way, I also enjoy matzo ball soup, though I always feel kind of sorry for the matzos.
Anyway, please let me know how to go about ethnic conversion so I can become eligible for your S.H.I.T. list.
PS If I convert to the Jewish ethnicity but not the religion, will I automatically become a citizen of Israel? And would that work for the Palestinian Muslims and Christians? Biting a bagel would be a small price for them to pay for first-class citizen status in their own homeland.
Disclaimer: If Lou Reed can sing about wanting to be black, I assume it’s OK for me to write about applying for Jewish ethnic status.